(a skit for 5 people: one older male (thePI), and 4 younger people of any gender (students))
Scene: a university office, anytime, anywhere
Script:
PI (playing Rage Against the Machine on iPhone;
duck-lips, head bobbing. Looking at iphone; yells loudly)—Yes! Yes! YES! Finally!
I got it!
Student 1 (rushes in)—what is it? Did you get a new grant!? Did the paper get accepted? What happened?
PI (turns off music) —oh no, sorry. I found an old girlfriend on Facebook….
Student 1—goofing off again, I see. Did you finish that letter you were supposed
to write for me???
PI—err, nooo
Student 1 (jumping in)— also, did you read that
paper I gave you last night? It directly
impacts our work. What do you think? Do you think it helps or hurts us?
PI—I, errr…
Student 1 (jumping in)—when are you going to be
done with writing that draft of our paper, anyway? I’ve been waiting a whole week, and I’m not
getting any younger here! I want to
graduate before I’m 30, you know. Also,
did you look over that data I emailed you?
I’m really having concerns about your productivity. At the last committee meeting, I told them
how you were slacking off, and they told me I needed to keep on top of you.
PI—yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it! Let me
just send a message here, and I’ll get right to working on the paper….
(Student 1 leaves, PI turns music back on)
PI—Ah… peace, finally. Now, let me see here… “Dear Doreen—it’s been
ages since I saw you. You look
fantastic! How recent was your profile picture taken? What are you…
(New student enters)
Student 2-- Dr. Fappenschmerz?
(no response from PI)
Student 2-- Dr. Fappenschmerz??
(no response from PI)
Student 2-- Dr. Fappenschmerz!!!!
PI (jumps, turns off music)—yes, yes, what is
it?
Student 2—are you going to seminar?
PI—er, ah, no… I have an important deadline to
meet. Super critical. Sorry.
Why don’t you go on ahead and let me know if anything interesting comes
up. Thanks!
(student leaves, PI turns on music)
Ok, ah, let’s see here… “dear Doreen—it’s been
ages since I saw you. You look
fantastic! How recent was your profile picture taken? What are you up to these days? Give me a call sometime! My number is 317-274-75…
Student 3 (comes up)— Dr. Fappenschmerz?
(no response from PI)
Student 3-- Dr. Fappenschmerz??
(no response from PI)
Student 3-- Dr. Fappenschmerz!!!!
PI (jumps, turns off music)—yes, yes, what is
it?
Student 3-- we need to order a lot of
supplies. We’re out of almost everything
I need for my experiment tomorrow
PI—ok, well, I’m kind of busy now-- can you
take care of that?
Student 3 (annoyed)-- well, we had the supplies just 3 days ago,
and then SOMEBODY used everything up, and now it’s too late to get new stuff by
tomorrow!
PI—well, can you borrow from the Napland
lab? They usually have the stuff we
need.
Student 3 (still annoyed)—yes, but we did that LAST
time this happened, and they got annoyed at us, and said we couldn’t borrow so
much stuff again
PI—oh crap!
Student 3--
(urgently) I have to do this experiment tomorrow. I’ve had this expt set up for two months and
the whole thing will be wasted plus all my time, if I can’t do it tomorrow!
PI—well, I’m really sorry about that. See what you can work out—maybe you can salvage
part of the expt. If not, well… you’ll
just have to plan it better next time.
Student 3—but….
PI (cuts in) -- Look, I’m sorry, I have a
really important deadline to work on, and I need to concentrate. See what you can do.
(Student 3 leaves, PI turns music back on)
Student 4 (comes up)— Dr. Fappenschmerz?
(no response from PI)
Student 4-- Dr. Fappenschmerz??
(no response from PI)
Student 4-- Dr. Fappenschmerz!!!!
PI (jumps, turns off music)—yes, yes, what is
it?
Student 4 (upset)—Chad used up my plasmid DNA
without asking—again!
PI—ok, sorry, look-- tell him to grow some new
stuff up, again.
Student 4 (still upset)—but I told him that
before, and he didn’t do it, and you said you would talk to him… did you????
PI (looks at iphone)—well… ah… would you look
at the time! See, I really need to get
back to work here, so just remind him to grow you new DNA, and I’m sure he’ll
do it. If he doesn’t, let me know, and
I’ll remind him. OK, good. Thanks! See you!
(PI turns on music, student just keeps standing
there with arms crossed, PI ignores.
This goes on for one minute, then student finally sighs loudly and
leaves)
Student 3-- Dr. Fappenschmerz?
PI—what now?
Student 3—if it’s a bad time, I can come back…
PI—No, it’s fine. What’s up?
Student 3—there’s a big B cell meeting coming
up…I’m wondering if I can go, it looks great.
PI—where is it?
Student 3—Jamaica
PI—uh huh, sounds great…. Well, let me check
the budget situation and get back to you on that…
(student leaves)
PI—now, where was I … oh some new emails… from
Spinola… Dean Brater… the IACUC office… Journal Club…. Nature contents… delete,
delete, delete, delete, delete …. Ooooh, something from NIH! Let’s see here…oh! This is about my latest grant application… ok….
log onto NIH commons… come one, come on… load, click click click load… ok, here
we are… what??? DAMMIT DAMMIT!!! DAMMIT!
(pounds hands on table, groans loudly)
Student 1 (rushes in)—what is it? What
happened? Anything bad happen? Are you ok?
PI (straightens up, composes self)—oh, yes, I’m
fine. I just bit my tongue, it’s ok.
Student 1—are you sure? Sounded like something worse.
PI—No, it’s fine. Nothing to worry about.
Student 1—So how’s the writing going?
PI—not very well right now, too many
distractions. Do you mind?? (motions head for student to leave; students
reluctantly leaves)
PI (puts head down weeps a bit)--- Why???
Why??? Why doesn’t anyone like my
ideas??? My career…. My careeerrrrrrrr!
Student 4 (approaches slowly, gently)-- Dr. Fappenschmerz? Are you okay?
PI (straightens up, composes self)—oh, yes, I’m
fine. I just had some… indigestion.
I’m okay now.
Student 4—would you like to see some data?
PI— (gets excited) absolutely!!!!
Student 4—ok, so this is the repeat of that
last T cell transfer expt, where we saw increased Fap1 expression in the B
cells. Now look—it seems as if we are
getting the same pattern as last time….
PI—what about Fap2 expression?
Student 4—I checked that, it didn’t change at
all.
PI—and Fap3???
Student 4—nothing, no expression
PI (more excited)—and Fap4?
Student 4—uh, there is no Fap4
PI—oh, yeah, uh, right. Anyway… (excited)—do you know what this
means???
Student 4—no, what?
PI (very excited)—you’ve uncovered a completely
new network of underlying underpinnings, that will lead to a new understanding
of Fap activity in T cell tolerance! This has huge implications for elucidating
the network of suppression factors that regulate over-exuberant Fap activity—
this is awesome!!!!
Student 4—really?
PI (very excited)—yes, this is the result I’ve
been waiting for, for so many years!
This totally validates my past 15 years of work! Oh, I love this JOB!!!!!!
Student 4—wait, did I say Fap2 didn’t change?
PI—er, what?
Student 4—sorry, I think I told you that Fap2
didn’t change. Actually it has the same
pattern of expression as Fap1.
PI—er, what?
Student 4—Fap2 does change.
PI (sinks down, groans loudly) My career is overrrr!!!!!
FIN
